Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Sir,

I am a Muslim lady 36 years of age with a ten year old child.

I have been subjected to continuous ridicule and criticism by my husband for the last 12 years of my marriage.

Now my anger especially due to his adulterous life is so severe that every time he criticises me I blow up in anger and say inappropriate things and most of the time my child is listening.

I know that my anger is justified but my reaction is not. I do my best to offer all my prayers with all sincerity and keep myself as busy as possible to be able to give peace to my self and curb my anger.

I am terrified of having a physically intimate relationship with him. I am not only scared of him but I have lost my trust in him.

I tried going away for 1 year to be able to heal and to get myself out of the atmosphere which was torturing me. We met each other  7 times for a week every time to work on our relationship. I was under the wrong impression that he would change at least for the sake of the child's suffering.

After he got me back with promises and tears I realised that he has changed for the worse.

The physical abuse, mental torture and his adulterous ways have taken their toll on me.

My question is I understand that a woman cannot refuse physical intimacy when her husband demands it.

In my case I cannot bear to bring myself anywhere close to my husband at least for now.

Should I take a khula so that I am not committing a sin. This is what our families have advised me as they all feel that he will never change.

I would want  the condition that the custody of my child is to be given to me as Allah has been merciful and has given resources to look after the child financially as I am working.

     Or

Should I wait for a couple of years and hope that he will change someday and maybe I will not be repulsed by him as I have been feeling for quite some time.

I will be leaving the country with my child soon anyways to save ourselves from his hurtful ways.

I am extremely confused as to what is the right path for me.

Please remember me in your prayers.

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Abusive husband

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34   Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husband’s honor, property, etc.)

Respected Sister in Islam, the sacred institution of marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union between two people who complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rome verse 21:

21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

If one truly seeks guidance in one’s marriage, there is no better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s relationship with one’s spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.’

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq

The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man sends for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she may be occupied in baking bread.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.’

Amongst the obligatory rights that are due from a husband to his wife in marriage are that he honor her, love her, cherish her, be kind, generous and merciful towards her, protect her, and provide for her complete upkeep according to his means.

In return for everything the husband does for the wife in the sacred bond of marriage, the guidance of Islam commands and guides the wife to be grateful and devoutly obedient to her husband.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.28 Narrated by Ibn Abbas

The Prophet (saws) said: "I was shown the Hell-Fire and found that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah? (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)” He (saws) replied, "They are not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them. Even if you were to do good to one of them all your life, when she seems some harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from you!"

Beloved Sister, if your husband is not willing to give you your due rights in the marriage, you have two lawful options in Islam:

1. Bear his unjust oppression with patience with the conviction that justice will be served and you will get your full and due retribution in the Presence of your Lord Most Just, Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment; and thus save your marriage.
2. If you cannot bring yourself to bear the unjust oppression of your husband in the marriage, you are well within your rights to initiate a divorce proceedings against such an evil and impious husband….and if what you have related is indeed true, there would be no blame or sin upon you.

Respected Sister, if you opt to save your marriage….regardless of whether or not your husband chooses to fulfill all his rights towards you or not, you should fear Allah and make absolutely sure that you fulfill all the rights that are due unto him in the marriage. It might appear that one who is unjust might get away with his injustice and oppression in the life of this short and transient world; but we assure you sister, none will get away with one’s oppression and injustice in the Presence of the Lord Most Majestic Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment!

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6251 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Do you know who is a ‘muflis’ (abjectly poor or one who is totally bankrupt)?’ They (the Companions (r.a.) of the Prophet (saws)) said: ‘A ‘muflis’ amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth.’ He (the Prophet (saws)) said: ‘The ‘muflis’ of my Ummah would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakah but (he would find himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues) since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others, unlawfully consumed the wealth of others, shed the blood of others, and beat others. His virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And if his good deeds fall short to clear the account (of his mis-deeds), then their sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the Hell-Fire!’

Your Question: I would want  the condition that the custody of my child is to be given to me

In the unfortunate event of a divorce in Islam, Shariah Law states that all children (male or female) will remain in the custody of the mother until they reach the age of understanding and puberty; and it will be responsibility of the father to provide the financial means for their upkeep.

Once the children reach the age of understanding, the father has a right to move the Shariah Court if he wishes to gain custody of the children. The Shariah Court Judge will then ask the children who have attained the age of puberty whom they wish to live with: their mother or their father; and whatever decision is made by the children will be enforced by the Shariah Judge.

The decision of who gains the custody of the children in a divorce in Islam neither rests with the mother, nor the father, nor the Shariah Court Judge; but Allah Subhanah has placed this right of decision in the hands of the children as soon as they reach the age of understanding and puberty. The Shariah Court Judge will only enforce the decision of the children, and give the parent who lost the custody fair visitation rights.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan