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Rights of mother and wife

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

 

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Hello brother,

I have been engaged to be married. Marriage is coming soon. I love my parents very much and specially my mother. All of a sudden i have this fear that my wife might come and create problems between my parents and me. Only once has she challenged my mother on a decision. I feel that if she could do that before the marriage, what is going to do when we our married.I know that my mother is very very important to me.How do i deal with this?I am afraid that i might not be very nice to my wife to be, if she creates problems.Does`nt a mother have more right then a wife? My wife to be`s mother has created some problems in the past that have created tension between the two families. I am afraid my wife might be just like her mother. Backing out of the marriage plans i think is too immature, i feel. What can i do to make sure things stay good between my mother and my wife to be.I know i need to be strong, but what else can i do? I need your help to understan the rights of both MY MOTHER & MY FUTURE WIFE.
Thank You,

NOTE: Please don`t print my e-mail address and name anywhere when you answer this.

Concerned brother in Islam. 

 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

 

Answer:

 

Rights of mother and wife

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-25:

23 Your Lord has Decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them; but address them in terms of honor.

24 And out of kindness, lower to them the wings of humility, and say: "O my Lord! Bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."

25 Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts: if ye do deeds of righteousness verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).

 

After the rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of our near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam, the guidance is that one must give all the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.

 

For instance, one cannot take away the right due to our parents, and give them to our wives and children. Neither can he take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim, who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day, should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other.

 

Regarding the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every believer, who fears Allah and the Last Day, to treat and obey his parents in absolutely everything, except if they ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger (saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even say uff to them! We have to obey them in every respect, as long as their command is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws). We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them, be patient with them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so, that this right and obligation is termed fard ain(absolutely obligatory for every individual) in Islam. And fard ain means, that no matter how old one is 10-20-50-90 as long as one or both of ones parents are alive, one has to be obedient to them! No one can do this on anothers behalf one is obligated to himself be obedient to his parents! This is the high station and the elevated maqaam bestowed by Allah Subhanah for the parents in Islam.


 

Your Question: Does`nt a mother have more right then a wife?

Indeed, there is absolutely no doubt that in Islam, the rights due to ones parents far far exceed the rights due to ones wife. But the brother has to fear Allah Subhanah and give each their due rights in full, without effecting the rights of the other. One cannot take the rights due to a mother and give them to his wife; nor can he take the rights due to his wife and give them to his mother! But it is the duty of the brother to fear Allah, and give each their due rights in full.

 

Your Question: What can i do to make sure things stay good between my mother and my wife to be.I know i need to be strong, but what else can i do?

Beloved and dear Brother in Islam, one of the things that gives the Shaytaan the most satisfaction is when he instigates or creates a misunderstanding or quarrel between the husband and the wife in the sacred bond of marriage. Thus what we need to do is, first and foremost, be aware of this avowed enemy of ours, recognize him, and constantly seek the protection of Allah Subhanah from the Shaytaan.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 35 Surah Fatir verse 6: Verily the Shaytaan is an enemy to you: so treat him as an enemy! He only invites his adherents that they may become companions of the Blazing Fire.

 

Beloved brother, the things you need to do to make sure the relationship between your two loved ones remain good and cordial are:

Fear Allah, no matter where you are, and in whatever you say and do.

You must realize that there might develop a natural state of jealousy between the mother and the wife over their love for you. No matter what happens, practice extreme patience and never let the Shaytaan make you say or do an act on impulse which you might regret later.

Find an opportune moment at the start of the marriage, and have a frank but polite talk with your wife explaining that you are bound by the Laws of Allah Subhanah to be unconditionally obedient to your parents. If the woman is pious and God-fearing, she will understand and appreciate your honesty and respect for your parents, and will apply patience and wisdom in her relationship with her mother-in-law.

Seek the constant protection of Allah Subhanah from the evil designs of the Shaytaan, who always tries to sow discord between the loved ones; especially between the husband and the wife.

 

Beloved brother, one thing you must never ever do in a dispute between ones mother and ones wife is take sides; for that will do nothing but give the Shaytaan the opportunity to enflame the discord even more. Be extremely patient, and with wisdom and hikmah listen attentively to both parties; and seek the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah for both of them. But if a situation arises where you are left with absolutely no choice, then you must choose to side with your mother and explain to your wife that you are bound by the Laws of Allah Subhanah to be unconditionally obedient to your parents.

 

If one can understand and accept two Divine social laws when starting his family, he will never have a problem in his family relations, Insha Allah. The problem is that Shaytaan has made these two laws in todays ungodly and ignorant world so politically incorrect and socially unacceptable, that man has brought upon himself this misery of family disputes in his life through the disobedience of these two Divine Laws:

 

Law #1: It is a prescribed duty and a commandment that the believing man (and woman) has to be unconditionally obedient to his parents in absolutely all matters, except if his parents command him to disobey Allah and His Messenger (saws).

 

Proof from the Quran and Sunnah:

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-25:

23 Your Lord has Decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them; but address them in terms of honor.

24 And out of kindness, lower to them the wings of humility, and say: "O my Lord! Bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."

25 Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts: if ye do deeds of righteousness verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the Biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Great Sins. He (saws) said, "They are:--

(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,

(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,

(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),

(4) And to give a false witness."

 

Law #2: It is the prescribed duty and a commandment to the believing woman to be obedient to her husband, except if he commands her to disobey Allah and His Messenger (saws).

 

Proof from the Quran and Sunnah:

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34 (part): Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

 

May Allah Subhanah make your trial easy for you, and give you and us all the guidance, the wisdom, and the courage to live by His Laws and within His Defined Boundaries in Islam. If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of being led astray.

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your Brother in Islam,

 

 

Burhan


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