I would like to ask a question which many women may face but i want to follow and make my decision based upon what God has said, I am going through many problems in my 9 months of married life and i am also 6 months pregnant, i love my husband but has been violent at times towards me and tried to harm me despite me carrying his child, his family never want to take responsibility for what he does and does not like my family to say anything against him about it, he has to come to live with me in the UK and wants to rely on my family to help him start a life here but refuses to show respect or gratitude towards them
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
I would like to ask a question which many women may face but i want to follow and make my decision based upon what God has said, I am going through many problems in my 9 months of married life and i am also 6 months pregnant, i love my husband but has been violent at times towards me and tried to harm me despite me carrying his child, his family never want to take responsibility for what he does and does not like my family to say anything against him about it, he has to come to live with me in the UK and wants to rely on my family to help him start a life here but refuses to show respect or gratitude towards them, i am stuck in between my family and him but then i think about whats good for my child, now his mum refuses to come to UK for the delivery for our child from Pakistan bcs she is not on good terms with my family and he blames me for everything, my husband has said if his mum does not come then my family will never be able to see my child, what should i do? should i just go away from my family and him and lead a life with just me and my child where there is no interference or should i stand up against my husband, does Islam give one set of grandparents more right than the other over a child? if i do leave my husband and my family will God be pleased with me,? i hope you can help in making the right decision
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Problems with in-laws
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Dear and beloved sister in Islam, since this is only the beginning of your marriage, it is possible that your husband is insecure regarding your love and commitment to your marriage; and because he lives with your extended family, he might have a feeling that your loyalty is more towards your family rather than to the marriage. Such feelings of insecurity are normal in most marriages when the spouse moves to a different city or lives with the in-laws.
Dear and beloved sister, your absolute first priority is to save your marriage! Make sure that you manifest to your husband that you love him, are committed to the marriage, and will do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Once your husband is convinced regarding your loyalty to him and to the marriage, it is expected that these trying times of the early marriage period will be eased, Insha Allah.
Your question: does Islam give one set of grandparents more right than the other over a child?
A grand-parent is a grand-parent, regardless of whether maternal or paternal; and both have equal rights over their grand-child in Islam. Beloved sister, you must realize here that the issue is not the legal rights of one over another, but rather it is simply a trying period early in one’s marriage. I assure you that once this trying period of compromise passes, and one gets over the insecurity one feels with strange people who are now one’s relatives, and both parties show patience and commitment to the marriage, conditions and relations will improve, Insha Allah.
Your Question: should i just go away from my family and him and lead a life with just me and my child where there is no interference or should i stand up against my husband
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2173 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Of all the lawful acts’ the most detestable to Allah is divorce.’
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2172 Narrated by Muharib
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Allah did not make anything lawful more abominable to Him than divorce.’
Dear and Beloved sister, separation from your husband should be your absolute last option, for of all the lawful acts in Islam, nothing is more hated and detestable in the Sight of Allah Subhanah than divorce!
Even if only temporarily, leaving your family house and making a home with only your husband is an option which if you believe might remove your husband’s insecurities, or improve your marital relations with your husband, then it would be prudent to try and live with your husband alone and improve your relations with him.
Your Question: or should i stand up against my husband
If a husband usurps or does not fulfill the due rights of his wife, the wife has all the rights in Islam to ‘stand up’ against her husband….so much so that she has a right to even move the Shariah Courts and demand that her husband fulfill his rights towards her!
Your Question: if i do leave my husband and my family will God be pleased with me,?
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2218 Narrated by Thawban
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If any woman asks
her husband for divorce without some strong reason, (even) the odour of
Dear and Beloved Sister in Islam, as your brothers and sincere well-wishers in faith, we implore you to fear Allah and realize that your condition is no more than a trial for you from your Lord. Your Lord is well aware of your exact condition, your actions, and the actions of your family and your husband. If you fear Allah, seek His Help and His Mercy, show patience, forbearance and fortitude in maintaining and strengthening your relationship in marriage, no matter how much the other tries to break it, your Lord will be Pleased with you and give you an unending and everlasting reward, Insha Allah.
Beloved Sister, nothing is more pleasing to the Shaytaan than sowing seeds of dissension between a couple in marriage, for this dissension rocks and breaks the very cradle of family life!
Sahih Muslim Hadith 6754 Narrated by Jabir ibn Abdullah
I heard Allah's Messenger (saws) as saying: ‘The throne of Iblis is upon the ocean and he sends detachments (to different parts) in order to put people to trial and the most important figure in his eyes is one who is most notorious in sowing the seed of dissension (especially in a marriage).’
Recognize the ploys and plots of the evil and accursed Shaytaan whenever he tries and inspires towards the break-up of your marriage, seek the protection of Allah Subhanah from the Shaytaan’s evil whispers by constantly reciting the 113th Surah Al-Falaq and 114th Surah An-Naas as much as you can, and beseech your Lord Most Gracious to have mercy upon you and your marriage, and give you the patience, the wisdom and the courage to withstand the trials that are laid upon you. It is expected that you will find your Lord Forgiving, Merciful, and Gracious.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and well wisher in Islam,