Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

My husband has suddenly started treating me really ill. He is constantly swearing at me both privately and publically, and recently hit me on a busy main road because i told him there was nothing wrong with his trainers!

When he`s nice he`s absolutely amazing but he keeps asking me to do things that will really hurt my parents and when i don`t he calls me horrible names and threatens to divorce me. I`ve been driven to suicide on numerous occaisions now because i can`t see any other way out. I don`t want to tell my mother or my mother in-law because i don`t want them to think badly of him. What am i supposed to do? Please help. 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Husband treat wife

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Dear and Beloved Sister in Islam, every person has within himself the inclination to do good or do evil. When Allah Subhanah has blessed one to be united in the sacred institution of marriage, each spouse has to learn the characteristics of what excites or instigates the other, and strive with patience and wisdom to develop their good characteristics and avoid doing things which would instigate them to retaliate or do evil. It would be considered wisdom on your part to learn and understand what pleases your husband, and what excites his anger; and if you sincerely want no harm to come to your marriage, you must learn to live within these boundaries. A very simple and avoidable incident related by you is that your husband got upset when you made a comment regarding his ‘trainers’!

If there is something he tells you to do or say, which you know would hurt your parents; it would be wise to explain your condition to your parents in private and tell them the reasons why, at times, you would say or do such things. There are no better well-wishers on this planet earth than one’s own parents, and if the conditions are explained to them by their children in honesty and humility, they would definitely co-operate and understand for the well-being of their beloved daughter. It is possible that the sudden change of heart or behavior of your husband towards your parents would be based on something insignificant said or done between them in the past, or someone might have told him something about your parents which might be absolutely false, etc.; and he does these evil things knowingly to upset them or seek revenge. When your husband is at his best behavior and at an opportune moment, you must exercise patience and wisdom and try to understand the base reason of his sudden change of heart towards your parents; and with wisdom and patience try to reconcile the two parties.

Dear and Beloved Sister in Islam, you must realize that if your husband is both extremely good and generous at times, and hurtful and revengeful at other times; there must be a reason behind his actions. You must also understand that this is a temporary condition, and once the base reason is addressed for his evil behavior towards you or your parents, the situation will improve, Insha Allah.

You basically have three options in these trying conditions:

Bear his injustice and evil with patience, and save your marriage.

Seek to address his base concerns for his change in behavior, and with extreme patience and wisdom strive to remove his concerns.

If after all your sincere efforts, you are unable to change his evil behavior towards you and your beloved parents, and you see that things are getting from bad to worse with no hope of improvement; you are well within your rights in Islam to initiate divorce proceedings from such a person, and there will be no sin upon you.

May Allah Subhanah make your trial easy for you, help you, guide you, have mercy upon you, bestow upon you wisdom and patience, and reward you for your sincere efforts in this life and the Hereafter. Ameen.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan