Limit of parents rights.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
I know
very well the rules of islam regarding obeying parents.But is it necessary to
obey them for each and everything they say?? For example i was forced to do
bcom when i wanted to do interior designing.Now i`m forced for a marriage that
i dont like. When i say a no for this marriage my parents hit me and curse me
and they say if they curse me then allah also will curse me and then i will
never live happily in my entire life and here after. But i dont like to get
married to this guy whom my father is asking me to marry.Aren`t there any rules
in islam regarding parents understanding their children and seeing their
happiness also. Because my parents dont understand we children at all and we
are forced for so many things. Please help.
(There may be some grammatical and spelling
errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from
questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in
confidentiality.)
Answer:
Limit of parents
rights
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Respected sister in Islam, one cannot over-emphasize the
importance and significance of serving and being dutiful to one’s parents in
Islam…… Second only to the heinous and the ultimate abomination of ‘shirk’ in
the Sight of Allah is for an off-spring to be undutiful to one’s parents!
Allah says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with
great kindness; if either or
both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and
pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them,
just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqman verse 14:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain
was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy
parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 36:
36 Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him: and do good to
parents kinsfolk orphans those in need neighbors who are near neighbors
who are strangers the companion by your side the way-farer (ye meet) and what
your right hands possess: for Allah loveth not the arrogant the vainglorious;
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah
(saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or
your relation with them will determine) your
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah
I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom
should I show kindness most?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again):
‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’.
I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother!’ I asked again:
‘Who next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in
order of relationship.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah
Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said,
"Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I
have come to consult you. He (saws) asked
him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said,
"Stay with her, for
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha
The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its
name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So
whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will
keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his
bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas
The Prophet (saws) was asked about the
‘Kabair’ (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied:
"They are:--
To join others in worship with Allah,
To be undutiful to one's parents,
To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden
to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
And to give a false witness."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I
inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O
Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in
worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There
are three people to whom Allah has forbidden
Such is the rank and status the Lord Most High has
accorded to parents in Islam that only after the rights due to Allah Subhanah
and His Messenger (saws), the biggest rights in all mankind are due to one’s
parents, regardless of whether one’s parents are believers or
disbelievers! Thus it is absolutely
obligatory upon the believers who sincerely fear Allah and the Last Day to be
devoutly obedient to each and every lawful wish and command of their
parents….the only, and we reiterate ONLY time a believer is permitted to
disobey the command or wish of their parents is if they ask their off-spring to
do anything which is clearly against the guidance and commands of Allah and His
Messenger (saws).
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqmaan verses 14-15:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail
upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (Hear
the command:) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy
final) goal.
15 But if they strive to make and join in worship with Me things of
which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not (in that command of theirs);
yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and
follow the way of those who turn to Me: in the end the return of you all is to
Me, and I will tell you the Truth of all that ye did."
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 29 Surah
Ankabut verses 8-9:
8 We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of
them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which
thou hast no knowledge obey them not (in that command of theirs). Ye have (all) to return to Me and I will tell
you (the Truth) of all that ye did.
9 And those who believe and work righteous deeds, them shall We admit
to the company of the Righteous.
Now to answer your specific questions:
Your
Question: But is it necessary to obey them for each and everything they say??
The only beings to whom absolutely unconditional obedience
is due is to Allah Subhanah and His Messenger (saws) alone…..the command,
orders, or requests of all others, and we reiterate, absolutely all other
beings will only followed if that order or command is not against the Guidance
of Allah and His Messenger (saws)!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3696 Narrated by An-Nawwas ibn Sam'an
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "A
creature is not to be obeyed when it involves disobedience to the
Creator."
Your
Statement: For example i was forced to do bcom when i wanted to do interior
designing.
Respected sister, in all of mankind, one would find no
better well-wisher for one than one’s own parents! If one wished or desired to pursue one
subject as their major, and their parents desired another…….and one was unable
to convince their parents regarding their choice of subject major…..and one
sacrificed their desire to fulfill their parents desire only for the Sake of
Allah Subahnah, rest assured that they shall have their reward in the Presence
of their Lord for their sacrifice and their obedience.
Besides sister, you are at absolute liberty to do both in
this particular case….if time permits and
Allah Wills, you can always pursue your desire after you have fulfilled
the desire of your parents.
Your
Statement: Now i`m forced for a marriage that i dont like. When i say a no for
this marriage my parents hit me and curse me and they say if they curse me then
allah also will curse me and then i will never live happily in my entire life
and here after. But i dont like to get married to this guy whom my father is
asking me to marry.
Respected sister, we reiterate again, in all of mankind,
one would find no better well-wisher for one than one’s own parents!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone
with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in
marriage, accede to his request. If
you do not do so, there will be temptation on earth and extensive corruption.'
Islam guides that a marriage is not a simple union between
just two people, but rather a union of two families….thus neither should the
parents/guardians force their daughters into a marriage she does not consent
to; nor should the girl seek to marry someone without prior consultation and
consent of her sincere best well-wishers in all of mankind, ie. her
parents/guardians.
Secondly, as much as Islam guides the believing woman who
seeks to marry to consult and seek the consent of her guardians/parents; the
absolute final decision and right of whether to agree to marry a person or not
is in the hands of the bride herself alone.
Islam has given the believing woman the absolute right to decide whether
she wills to marry a person or not; and that is precisely why her agreement and
acceptance to her marriage at the time of ‘nikaah’ is an absolutely obligatory
condition for a marriage to be deemed legal in Shariah Law.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.101 Narrated by Aisha
Allah's Messenger (sws) said, "It is
essential to have the consent of a virgin (for her marriage).’ I (Aisha) said, "A virgin feels
shy." The Prophet (saws) said, "Her silence means her consent."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.98 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "A virgin
should not be married till she is asked for her consent; and the matron
(divorcee, widow, etc.) should not be married till she is asked whether she
agrees to marry or not." It was
asked, "O Allah's Messenger (saws)! How will she (the virgin) express her
consent?" He (saws) said, "By keeping silent."
It is an absolutely obligatory condition of a marriage to
be legal in Shariah for the bride to consent to her marriage. If the bride is a virgin, and she feels shy
to declare or respond her approval, her silence will be accepted as her
approval; but if a matron (one who is divorced, or a widow, etc.) is to marry,
her silence will not be accepted as her approval, but she must verbally declare
her acceptance to the Judge conducting the marriage.
If for any reason the girl who is forced to marry a person
against her will, especially if she is not completely satisfied with the
character or practice of religion of her suitor….all she ever has to do is
verbally decline and declare to the Judge conducting the marriage that she is
unwilling to marry the said person; a marriage in Islam can never be valid
without the prior consent of the ‘bride’.
If the guardians of the bride are forcing a marriage unto
their daughter, and the girl is not completely satisfied with the character or
practice of religion of her suitor, or for any other valid reason she does not
wish to accept this proposal….the girl is well within her rights in Islam to
politely (but firmly) reject the proposal making sure that she does not transgress
the boundaries of humility and etiquette required of a believer towards their
parents in Islam…..even if the refusal of their daughter to the proposal hurts
her parents, there would be no sin upon the daughter for exercising her lawful
right of refusal.
If the parents know that their daughter is not willing to
marry a person of their choice, it would only be righteousness and prudence on
their part that they seek to marry their daughter to another person whom both,
they and their daughter consent.
Your
Question: Aren`t there any rules in islam regarding parents understanding their
children and seeing their happiness also.
Such is the natural bond of mercy and love bestowed by the
Lord Most Merciful between the relationship of a parent towards their children,
that if one were to search the whole of the Glorious Quran and the whole of the
authentic Sunnah, one would be hard pressed to find a verse or a guidance
whereby the parents are Commanded to love or have mercy on their children! Such is the naturally bestowed phenomena of
this relationship of mercy of a parent towards their off-spring, that this
mercy is abundantly evident and found even in the animal kingdom.
Because this mercy and this love of a parent towards their
off-spring is abundantly and naturally bestowed in the heart of every parent, a
need does not arise in Shariah to guide or command or set any rules in the
relationship of parents towards their off-spring! In contrast, time and time again Allah and His
Messenger (saws) have guided and Commanded the believers to show mercy,
reverence, respect and be tender and kind towards their parents….so much so,
that one’s relationship with one’s parents will determine whether one attains
salvation in the eternal and everlasting life of the Hereafter or not!
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and
commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws),
one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any
other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be
assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister