Her husband took her money and lost it, and he is threatening to divorce her in order to take more
Dear Brothers & Sisters,As-Salaamu-Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
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I am in great need of advice and I pray to Allah that you can give me some guidance. My problem involves a long and complicated story that I will try my best to explain from both sides point of view because I genuinely want to do what is Islamicly correct and what will lead me to the Jannah inshaAllah. When I was a young child I was in an accident where I was hit by a school bus. my parents went through a very long and hard process in which they sued for some compensation because at the time they were unsure if I would be able to walk properly or need help throughout my life. Alhamdulillah for the most part I am fine and this is because two surgeries and the countless hours that they spent doing physical therapy with me and taking me to numerous doctor’s appointments. We were not very well off and lived in a very unsafe neighborhood so they asked the judge if they could use some of the money to buy a house in my name in a safer suburb, as it would be in my best interest and that of my family. They always paid for maintenance and taxes and they made sure to explain to the judge and ensure that the remainder of my money was always invested in a hallal manner. A long story short, we ended up selling the house and moving to UAE, but my mother and brother and I returned a year later. I was getting married. My mother needed to stay with my brother who insisted on coming back and to take care of her father, as she is his only living relative. I had always wanted give my parents a house growing up. It is the least that I could do for everything they had done for me. My husband (we at this time had done the contract but not the wallimah) insisted that I put my name on the house so that when my parents pass I will have it and it may benefit our future kids. I honestly did not want to do that, I wanted to give it to the purely and completely and did not care if they sold it and threw the money in the ocean dollar by dollar. We argued, and finally and consented, may Allah forgive me. I bought my mother a house and it is in both of our names. At the start of my marriage I told my husband “my money is your money if you want to do business with it as long as you do not do anything that involves riba, alcohol or pork because this is the way I was raised and I believe that there will not be any barrakah in harram money.” He agreed. They later he came with ideas of putting the money as a down payment on an apartment complex and buying it through a riba based loan and the idea of opening a pizza franchise that sells pork. I told him “no, haram”. He spent a lot of time looking for small shopping centers and other investments to buy. He ended up buying 40 acres of land and 2 condos that he rented out. Also we bought a town home in which we lived in. He never really got a job and we were living off of the remainder of the money. He would have ideas here and there, nothing really went though. After about a year and a half of living rather extravagantly, money was getting low; he said we need to budget. For my part and the cost of food at home and shopping, I did. I only spent $350 on house hold purchases and I never bought anything for myself. He made silly purchases like cars and gadgets and ate out at restraunts every day with his friends (with his own mouth he admitted he would spend over $1500 just on out side food). He was out almost every night playing pool and with his friends, he says it was to make connections and that if you want to meet with Arabs and learn ideas to make money they all come out at night. He would come home after 2 and 3 am at least 4 nights out of the week. As money got low he would sell off an investment property and took out a cash out mortgage on one of them, each time saying that this time he was not going to let the money go to waste and each time not changing, not really working and spending freely. But at home wallahi this was not the case. I lived with a leaky kitchen sink for over 2 years and w/ electrical problems so that the lights didn’t work and also many of the outlets. Our water heater was broken for months before he fixed it. Soon after my son was born (he is 15 months now) all of the money was gone and he blamed me because if we had done it the was he wanted we would be rich. He became extremely abusive to me; he was always horrible when he was mad; he hits me, uses the most foul language and threatened to take my son away from me and to make him hate me. Then one day he came to me and said “this is what you are going to do, and if u don’t I will put you in my head and make you miserable because that means that you don’t want to help and stand with me”. Wallahi I was terrified of him, after months of being treated like an animal I believed him. He told me to tell my father that he got into a fight with a mechanic and threw a wrench at him and that it shattered his jaw and now we are being sued and that if we don’t pay the man and the lawyers he will go to jail. I told my husband, please don’t make me tell my father that because it will terrify him and he will think that you are violent with me. ( I never told them how he treats me because my father is greatly affected by stress and I don’t want to hurt him, and also because I believe that if he gets involved my husband will hurt him) Then my husband agreed to tell him that he was driving with a friend in his car and they got into an accident and the man was injured and that we didn’t have car insurance. So the man is suing us and that there are a lot of legal fees and problems because he was breaking the law by driving with out insurance. And then to tell my parents that I need to help my husband and that the only way to do it is for them to take some sort of mortgage on their house through an Islamic financing company. It would have to be in their name because he had ruined our credit. He said that from that money he would give them two years of mortgage payments strait up so that they didn’t not have to worry about payments and that he would be the one to make all the payments. To tell them that I need MY money now that we are “down” and that this is the only way. I didn’t know what else to do, and so I did it. His plan was to take this money and open the pizza restraunt I mentioned before; it was not up to me anymore. My parents freaked out. My mom calmed down a little and sounded like she would agree, but that it was up to my dad. My dad said that my husband should go to his parents (who are Saudi and are very well off, but my husband is estranged from his father) for help. He said that I had helped my husband enough and that he had spent over 300,000 dollars and that it is not my job to help him anymore. He also said that he would never agree to mortgage the house because he doesn’t trust my husband and that he is going to protect the only thing that I have left. Also they can’t trust that he would make the payments as he promises and that they cannot sign on for such a huge debt at this stage in their lives. He threatened to divorce my mom and disown me if we did the mortgage. Obviously, mom would never go against my dad so my husband’s plan did not work. My husband became furious. He blamed me because he claims that if I had squeezed my dad hard enough we would have consented and that if they don’t want to do it then I should tell them that I have to do what I have to do to help my family and ask them to leave the house so that I can sell it. He hates me and says that I sided with my father against him. He says that my father is wrong and doesn’t care about him and that the proof is that he told my father a story that he was in trouble and my father refused to help. My husband sold our town home that we were living in for what ever he could get and we moved into the one bedroom apartment that we took the cash out on. He took what money was left from our home and bought 3 fancy cars (with riba) to start a limo company with a friend. I am now pregnant again and he says that it is my fault that we are living in such a tiny apartment and suffering and our son has no place to play. He says that I came to him and told him I would help him and I gave him the money and then I only went half way, that I‘ve abandoned him. He says I have a 100 thousand dollars in that house and I’m not helping him with it. He says that its not fair that my mother and siblings are living in a three bedroom home with a nice back yard to play in and that we are suffering here. He hates my father in a way that scares me to death. He wants to hurt him in any way. He says all the time that he would love to beat him up. He says that my father is being unjust by keeping my money from me when I asked for it. He says that he will never allow my father to see our son again and if my father comes to our home and tries to see him he will put a gun in his face and scare him. (he has a gun in the house). He says that my parents have no decency to allow me and my son to suffer like this with our offering to help. That if my father’s claims of trying to protect my money are true he should at least offer to pay us rent to help our situation. That I have been helping them for the past 15 years that they have been living rent free. He doesn’t realize that my parents are getting older and that although they are both working, they need to save for retirement and they are paying for all my grandmother’s medical bills and paying to put my brother and sister through college. He says that by siding with my parents and not forcing them to leave or to do what he wanted I betrayed him and that I showed my father that he is nothing to me. He tells me that unless I tell my parents to help us and either give us money every month (charge them rent) or to take out a mortgage on their home he will make my life miserable ( he is doing this already) and never allow me to complete by education. He says that my father is stupid for not agreeing because he has the biggest weapon which is his grandson and that he will turn our son against him and never allow my father to see him. He says that he will tell my son what I have done and how its my fault we are suffering and make him look down on me. He says that it doesn’t matter that he -“we”- spent the money before and that we were young and just learning and we made mistakes and that doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is now I have that house and I’m not helping. He says that now because of me he will have to work like a slave and not have time to spend with his son and that he blames me and my father for every second that he suffers. I don’t know what to do!! Do I do nothing and let him punish my father my not allowing him to see my son and Allah knows what else he is planning (because today he said he has plans to make them leave by force and Allah ye3llem what they could be!)? Do try to force my father to do what he wants thereby “proving to my husband that he is #1” as he demands everyday that I do? I cannot bear to make my mother feel like a guest in her own home after everything she has done for me. I would rather live in the street than take back what I have given her. I’m afraid for the safety of my father! I’m afraid he’ll give him a heart attack or God knows what else! My husband is threatening and saying that he will find a way to force them to leave with out me or them know what he did. What kind of things is he planning? I don’t know how much more I can bear, the physical, emotional and verbal abuse is killing me. I have no appetite. Not to mention that I am pregnant and that under the happiest of marriages our situation would be hard. I also want to put it out there that I am not an angel. This marriage started as a haram relationship, but Allah knows that I repented from that years ago. I am doing my best to be a good muslimah ;alhamdulillah; I pray all my prayers, I try to give sadaqa when I can, I listen to Islamic lectures almost everyday to better myself and be a good example for my son. I make duaa every day to ease my burdens and help me find a solution to this. Also, I don’t believe that divorce is an option. My husband has threatened to take my son from me and to only allow me to see him as a visitor in his house. He says that if we get divorced he will blame me for ruining his son’s life and will spend the rest of his life making my life and the life of those that I love miserable just to get me back. And I believe that he is sick enough to do it. Also, I want my son to be close to me and at least see some sort of an Islamic role model. He says that if I ever tried to take our son through the courts he would kill me and him or take him and run. I don’t want my son to grow up in a dysfunctional environment as much as I can help it. People that I ask say that he is just bluffing but Wallahi I don’t think he is, they don’t see his face and the way he looks and acts like I do. Please, please make duaa for me and to protect my father and family. Please try to advise me. Should I do as he asks and hope that my parents forgive me and hope that we can live happily ever after, everyone seeing everyone? Or should I do nothing and hope that my husband doesn’t hurt them or me? Though Wallahi I believe that he will. Or is my husband right, and I am wrong? Have I betrayed him or let him down? Did I side with my father against him? Have I let my son down by letting us stay in this cramped apartment? And what if my husband carries out some crazy plot to somehow force my family to leave the house, do I then do what he wants and sell it? Or do I refuse to give in? Please respond as soon as possible because my husband is hounding me every day and I am afraid everyday that it will be too late and he will do something crazy. Jazakum Allahu Khairan for providing this service to those who are in need. I really don’t know who are where else to turn. Forgive me for being to long-winded.
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Praise be to Allaah.
It seems from what the questioner mentions that her husband does not handle money well, and he would not refrain from taking whatever he can get his hands on. Such a person should not be given anything by his wife of her own money or her parents’ money, and she should not give in to his threats. The experience that she has gone through with him is sufficient to know the extent of his seriousness, credibility and honesty and – what’s more important – the extent of his religious commitment and his paying attention to the commands of his Lord in handling money
The best solution is to treat him kindly and advise him to fear Allaah and look for acceptable means of earning a living, without looking at the wealth of others, because he is responsible for spending on her maintenance and that of her child, and he is requested to seek halaal work in order to achieve that.
Some husbands -- unfortunately -- do not understand responsibility, and do not put a limit on their greed. If the wife has money then they do not refrain from spending it and wasting it. This is a bad attitude and weakness of religious commitment. Hence he should not be helped or encouraged to do that. The woman has her own independent financial responsibility and she does not have to give her husband any of her money; she can invest her wealth in ways that will benefit her and she can give some of her wealth to her parents even if her husband has not given her permission.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked:
What is the Islamic ruling -- in your view -- concerning one who beats his wife and takes her wealth by force and treats her badly?
He (may Allaah have mercy on him) replied:
This man who beats his wife, takes her money and treats her badly is sinning and disobeying Allaah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“and live with them honourably”
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable”
It is not permissible for anyone to treat his wife in this bad manner, and then ask her to treat him nicely. This is injustice which is included in the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning):
“Woe to Al‑Mutaffifoon (those who give less in measure and weight).
2. Those who, when they have to receive by measure from men, demand full measure,
3. And when they have to give by measure or weight to (other) men, give less than due”
Every person who demands his rights in full from other people, then does not give people their rights in full is included in these verses.
What we advise him and others to do is fear Allaah with regard to women, as enjoined by the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) in his khutbah in ‘Arafah during his Farewell Pilgrimage, in which he said: “Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah, and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the word of Allaah.” (Narrated by Muslim (1218). I say to him and people like him: Life cannot be happy unless the spouses treat one another with justice and kindness, and overlook bad qualities and focus on good qualities. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “This world is no more than temporary joys, and there is no temporary joy of this world that is better than a righteous wife.” Narrated by Muslim (1469).
Fataawa ‘Ulama’ al-Balad al-Haraam, 487.
You could seek help from some sincere, religiously committed and trustworthy people, who could advise him of what he is obliged to do of treating his family with kindness, and not coveting people's wealth, and help him to find suitable work.
If he does not stop, and continues with his threats, we do not think that you should pay attention to any of his threats or give him any hope of getting any of the money you have left, because there is no guarantee with such a person that he will not waste what is left, and then go back to the same treatment again; rather the problem would be even worse if he loses your house and that of your family; then he will be toying with you and will have more control over you. Seek the help of your Lord, be patient, turn to Him, and pray a great deal for your husband to be guided and for this situation to be set straight. Remember that Allaah is more powerful than him, and greater and higher, and that all affairs are in His hand, may He be glorified.
We advise you to recite the supplication of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him):
It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hammi wa’l-hazani wa’l’ajzi wa’l-kasali wa’l-jubni wa’l-bukhli wa dala’ il-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from worry, grief, incapacity, laziness, cowardice, miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overcome by men).” Narrated by Al Bukhaari (6369) and Muslim (2706).
And Allaah knows best.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah's Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
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