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Wife refuses sex.

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)


One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

We are working couple staying in U.A.E. Since the cost of living in this part of the world is very expensive, my wife is also working to support the family.
My problem is that whenever I want to have intercourse with my wife she refuses point blank. She kicks me, abuses me, & I have to hear all that xxx which I have never heard in my life. Above all shes keeps on taunting me you should have married a housewife. Its not that I want her to work I am ready to go back to my country & there she need not work as I can afford the family back home. She is not ready for that also.
Now I am so much bugged up that I have decided to either go for an extra marital affair & I know still I will be at fault in the eyes of Allah.
Kindly advice should I go for second marriage, divorce the first. Also I have two kids.
Kindly advice.


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Wife refuses sex

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.


The sacred institution of marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union and bond between two people who complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.


Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rome verse 21:

21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.


If one truly seeks guidance in ones marriage, there is no better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in ones relationship with ones spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."


Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.


Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: a believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq

The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali

The Prophet (saws) said: When a man sends for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she may be occupied in baking bread.


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.


Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct admonish them (first) (next) refuse to share their beds (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High Great (above you all).


If one finds oneself in a marriage where ones wife is constantly disobedient to his lawful commands, Islam guides that before one contemplates separation through the lawful but detested option of divorce, one should try doing the following..perchance the wife would fear Allah and amend her conduct and thus save the marriage:

  1. Admonish the wife: Find a suitable opportunity, and with patience and above all wisdom, speak to ones wife politely but firmly and admonish them to fear Allah and fulfill the rights that are due from a wife to a husband in marriage. If after ones very best efforts, the wife still refuses to obey the lawful commands of her husband; then one has the option to take the next step before contemplating divorce.
  2. Refuse to share the bed (conjugate or have sexual intercourse) with ones wife for a period of time which will clearly signify to any intelligent and God-fearing wife the displeasure her conduct and her constant disobedience is causing her husband in marriage. If even after this step, the wife refuses to comply, Islam has given the option to the husband to lightly beat her to signify to his wife his severe displeasure of her constant disobedience. One should fear Allah their Lord and exercise this option as an absolute last resort if he sincerely believes that this light beating of disapproval will help save the marriage.


If after ones very best and sincere efforts, one finds that there is absolutely no change and no hope in the attitude and conduct of ones wife changing for the better, the believer in Islam is well within his rights to separate from such a disobedient wife through divorce and seek to marry a pious God-fearing woman who will fear her Lord and strive to fulfill her due rights to her husband in the marriage.


Your Question: .Now I am so much bugged up that I have decided to either go for an extra marital affair & I know still I will be at fault in the eyes of Allah.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Israa verse 32:

Do not even go near zina (fornication or adultery) for it is a very indecent thing and a very evil way!


Dear and beloved brother in Islam, whatever the situation and condition one may find oneself in, under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should one who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day ever ever ever contemplate even approaching the abomination of zina (adultery)..for that would, without an iota of a doubt, invite upon oneself the Unimaginable Wrath, Anger and Chastisement of Allah Subhanah; and one would have none to blame except oneself alone!


If one has absolutely saturated all his means to reconcile with ones wife without any success, or one is so fed up with the ill-conduct and the constant disobedience and the usurping of his lawful rights by ones wife in marriage that one begins to contemplate the evil abomination and crime of zina only to satisfy his natural physical desire and appetite..then it would be best for the husband to divorce his first wife and seek to marry another woman who will fulfill his rights in marriage.


If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.


Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.


Your brother and well wisher in Islam,





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