I want to marry someone that I love for almost 3 years now. Both me and her are well educated and muslims (alhamdulillah). My parents have raised the following objections.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
I want to marry
someone that I love for almost 3 years now. Both me and her are well educated
and muslims (alhamdulillah). My parents have raised the following
1. She is an below average in beauty and not presentable.
2. She is not very slim. not fat but not slim either.
3. She is 7 inches shorter in height than me and it would look like an odd couple.
4. She speaks in a weird accent.
5. She does not know how to carry her cloths (fashion wise)
6. She is from a different family background as her dad does not do a white collar job (he owns some property and leases it out in Europe and doing pretty good financially), while my dad is at good higher ranked govt job.
7. Since her parents are not well educated, she is would probably not be brought up properly.
8. She is only one year younger than me.
9. It would be embaressing for them to introduce her or her parents amongst the people around them. It would be humiliation for them.
10. They are saying that Islam says that we should marry amongst similar people (living style) to keep the marriages strong.
11. They say I should do what they say to please them.
12. They said we should all do istakhara and seek guidence. Me and her both have seen clear indications of marriage in our dreams. Like living together, going out together, exchanging gifts during marriage, buying cloths for marriage. My mom saw in dream that she is telling me not to do something which they would hide all their lives and in other that someone is whispering that what appears right is not right. And my dad saw a dream that he is in a big problem. And so my parents thinks its clear enough to not get married and if I am not convinced they can ask someone, who does istakhra for people, to do istakhara for us.
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Parents consent for marriage
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Dear and Beloved brother, Islam guides that the sacred institution of marriage is not a simple union between just the two people who marry each other, but this sacred union of marriage effects and enjoins at least two families. Therefore, Islam has guided that neither should the believers marry someone without their parents consent, nor the parents should marry their children without their children’s approval.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."
Ref Objection no 11. They say I should do what they say to please them.
From the list of the various objections listed by your parents, it is obvious that they do not approve of your choice in marriage. Although all the other objections are immaterial and can be overlooked, the one objection (no. 11 quoted above) that they have raised has merit, and it would be your obligatory duty as a believer, who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day, to obey them and in the process earn huge rewards from Allah Subhanah for following His Commands.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with extreme humility and tenderness, and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.41 Narrated by Abdullah bin Masud
I asked Allah's Messenger, "O Messenger of Allah (saws)! What deed is most loved by Allah?" He (saws) replied, "To offer the prayers at their (earliest) stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To strive (Jihad) in Allah’s Cause." I did not ask Messenger of Allah (saws) anymore and if I had asked him more, he (saws) would have told me more.’
Dear and Beloved Brother, it is absolutely obligatory for a believer who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day to be obedient and dutiful to their parents, so much so that second only after the rights that are due to Allah Subhanah, Allah and His Messenger (saws) have listed the rights due to one’s parents in Islam!
To be obedient to one’s parents is what is known as ‘fard-ayn’ (absolutely obligatory) in Islam, but to marry is only a Sunnah; and if one has to choose between doing an act which is ‘fard’ or ‘sunnah’, it would only be righteousness and piety to choose the ‘fard’ over the ‘sunnah’.
If you sacrifice your desires to marry someone whom your parents disapprove of only for the sake of Allah, you cannot imagine the rewards, status and increase in rank that you will receive from your Lord Most Gracious when you ultimately meet with Him. There is absolute no harm in trying to convince your parents to agree to your choice, but you should do so with absolutely humility, tenderness, kindness and above all, patience. If you or anyone else are able to convince them to agree to your choice, there is absolutely no harm; but if they disagree and absolutely disapprove, it would be your obligatory duty to obey them and do and say only what brings about their pleasure and their happiness, for in their pleasure and their happiness lies the Blessings and Pleasure of Allah Subhanah, the Lord of the Worlds.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda
When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."
Your Statement: They said we should all do istakhara
My dear and beloved brother, the process, prayer and supplication of ‘Istakhara’ is indeed a Sunnah of the Prophet (saws) and one is encouraged to do it when one has to make a decision or choice between two or more permissible options. The wisdom behind and the essence of the prayer and supplication of ‘istakhara’ is that one consults and leaves the decision and choice to the Absolute Wisdom and Power of Allah Subhanah to guide them towards what is best.
To do ‘istakhara’ when one has already and absolutely made up one’s mind to do or not to do a thing, or do perform ‘istakhara’ only to impress and convince someone that the decision they have made is correct and has the approval of Allah Subhanah is to make a mockery of the Sunnah of ‘Istakhara’!
Your Statement: And so my parents thinks its clear enough to not get married and if I am not convinced they can ask someone, who does istakhra for people, to do istakhara for us.
My beloved brother, ‘istakhara’ is best done by the one who has to make the decision and cannot and should not be done by someone who has nothing to do with the matter!
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,