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Parent children conflict in marriage

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)


One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Asalamu alaikum wr wb,

I am responding to the answers for marriage and parents. I have been reading your questions and answers for several months now, and I have never felt the need to write til now. I highly disagree with your answers about following what the parents say in regards to not marrying someone who they don`t approve of. Its hard to understand why you (Burhan) think that its ok for parents to dictate something that is not islamic for thier children to do, and without groaning or moaning we should follow it. It is NOT Islamic for the parents to withhold a child from marrying whom he chooses, which is an act of Sunnah as you say, just becuz the parents dont want that child to marry outside the culture or tribe. The parents are wrong in this case, becuz as we know, Islam does not recognise nationalism. And refusing to let your child marry someone from a different race or culture would be termed as a nationalistic stance.


Furthermore, by the parents refusing to accept his sons or daughters marriage, that could result in pushing their child towards something that is haraam (meaning illicit sex). Perhaps you can explain why you feel its alright for the parents to demand something of a child that is not within the bounds of Islam, and why it is that the child HAS to obey the parents regardless. A child who wants to break free from culture, and wants to marry someone he chooses to marry and live a life of Islam, by refusing to participate or add to the sin of nationalism... how can this possibly be wrong? I think its best not to generalise, and particularily if you dont have a lot of knowledge of how culturally inclined people (muslims) can be in the UK, and how far from Islam ALOT of so called muslims are...yet, as children we are commanded to obey our parents?? It doesnt make sense what you are saying. Remember please, that you have put yourself in a position where the words and advice you give, you will be held accountable for. I suggest for your own protection on the Day of Judgement, that you do a bit of in depth research of the problems of the ummah in the UK (in particular), before handing out advice that you call Islamic and saying that as Muslims we MUST obey our parents. Its easy to say `I am Muslim`, as many many people do, and then not to follow it at all. Most of the parents in the UK who dictate whom thier children should marry are parents who lack understanding of Islam, who dont pray, who eat haraam things, who beat thier kids or wives, and then say YOU WILL marry so and so, and then use Islam to bind thier children to their wishes. Dont actions speak louder than words?? HOw can a child be obligated to obey a parent like this?? This goes on so much in the UK. So brother, please think before you answer. There is always a bigger picture.


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Parent children conflict in marriage

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.


Dear and Beloved Sister in Islam, Allah has made the deen or way of life called Islam vast and full of mercy. You have absolutely every right to disagree with any or all of our opinions; but it would not behove or befit a believer, who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day, that they have an opinion after Allah and His Messenger have given their decision in the matter.


Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 33 Surah Ahzaab verse 36: It does not behove a believing man and a believing woman that when Allah and His Messenger have given their decision in a matter, they should exercise an option in that matter of theirs. For whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger, has indeed strayed into manifest error.


And the matter regarding the obedience of parents is made absolutely clear by Allah and His Messenger (saws) in the Quran and the Sunnah.


Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.


Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verses 14-15:

14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

15 But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; Yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love): in the End the return of you all is to Me and I will tell you the truth of all that ye did."


The only exception Islam allows for the disobedience of parents, is if the parents command their children to worship other gods with Allah Subhanah! Other than their this command, it is absolutely obligatory upon the children to obey and respect and honor every wish of their parents, if they sincerely wish to obey and follow the commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws).


Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."


Dear and Beloved Sister in Islam, the above commands are amongst the clear guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) regarding the obedience of parents; and it does not behove a believer who fears Allah and the Last Day, to disobey or disregard any command of the Quran or Sunnah, regardless of his personal preferences or choices.


My dear and beloved Sister in Islam, it is indeed unfortunate that this conflict of choosing a partner in marriage between the child and the parents is widespread in todays modern-educated but ignorant and un-godly world! You must remember and understand that most of the questions posted to us on the forum are from the children who have a conflict with their parents regarding the choice in marriage, and they always ask what should they do in these circumstances. It is our duty as their brothers and sincere well-wishers in Islam to guide them to the Truth of what is declared in the Quran and the Sunnah regarding their obedience to their parents.


If any parent were to ask us what should they should do when they have a conflict with their childrens choice in marriage, we would advice the parents from the Quran and Sunnah to overlook the petty and frivolous conditions of race, color, wealth, nationality, tribe, looks, etc.; which have absolutely no basis in the deen of Truth called Islam. We would definitely advice them to take their childrens choice into serious consideration, and if their choice was not against any of the commandments of Allah and His Messenger (saws), they should try to compromise and strive to accede to their childrens genuine request.


But as is the case, it is almost always the children who pose the question regarding the conflict; and ask what do Allah and His Messenger (saws) command them to do in such situations! If the parents were to pose the question, the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) for them would be to overlook the petty and frivolous objections in the name of tribes or race or color, and strive to strike a compromise with the choice of their children if it does directly violate any of the commands of Islam.


Islam is a religion which encourages self-control and self-sacrifice, rather than imposing their opinion on what others should do! Every single decision in the life of the child, from which hospital the child is born, to which school he attends, to which clothes he wears, to which language he speaks, to which food he eats, etc. from his birth to adolescence is made for the child by his parents. But when a child wishes to make one of the most important decisions of his life when choosing a partner in marriage, he does not even think it is important to give consideration to the opinion of his parents! All Islam commands when deciding on marriage is that the parents and the child give importance to each others likes and dislikes, and give due consideration to all parties and reach an agreement in consensus. Now ask yourself this question as we ask ourselves: Is that too much to ask? !!!


If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of being led astray.


Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.


Your Brother in Islam,




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