Violence with wife
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
requisting resriction of my id. ur service is very helpful,may ALLAH BLESS U. PLEASE GUIDE ME, I HAVE A TEMPER PROBLEM WHICH INVOLVES VIOLENCS ON MY WIFE MANYTIMES OVER 3 1/2YRS SHE IS VERY AFRAID OF ME,SHE IS NOW LIVING WITH HER PARENTS,I HAVE BEEN REFERD FOR COUNCELLING BY GP,SHE HAS APLIED FOR COUNCIL HOUSE TO LIVE ON HER OWN, SO SHE CAN LIVE ALONE,SHE WANTS TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYONE,SHE SAYS SHE DOES NOT WANT ANYONE TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO,HER PARENTS R NOT ON GOOD TERMS WITH ME,BECAUSE WE GOT MARRIED WITHOUT ANYONES PERMISSION,WE HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH MY MOTHER,MY WIFE HAS NOT BEEN ALOUD TO GO TO HER PARENTS BECAUSE MY ELDER BROTHER HAS DIFFERCES WITH THEM,MY INLAWS HAVE BEEN REQUESTING FOR RESOLVATION WITH HIM,BUT NOT BEEN SUCCESFULL,NOW I AM COCIDERING GOING TO MY INLAWS TO ASK FOR THEIR FORGIVENESS&HELP TO RECONSOLE MY WIFE BEFORE SHE MAKES HER MOVE WHICH THEY R NOT AWARE OF.PLEASE ADVISE ON ADVANTAGES & DISADVANTAGES ON MY WIFE IDEA & HOW TO RECONSOLE HER&GET MY TRUST BACK WITH MY WIFE.ALSO WHAT I SHOULD SAY TO MY INLAWS.THANK U.ALLAHAFIZ
(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
May Allah Subhanah reward you with the best of this world and the Hereafter for your kind comments of encouragement for our humble efforts in the propagation of the Truth. If our humble and modest efforts have helped even one brother or sister get closer to Allah and His Deen of Truth, then we would consider ourselves indeed fortunate to have been given this opportunity by the Lord Most Merciful to serve in His Cause. We hope, beg, and pray the Merciful Lord accepts our humble and weak efforts, forgives us our shortcomings, and saves you, us, and all the believers from the torment of the Hell Fire. Ameen.
My dear and beloved brother in Islam, it is indeed good that you recognize your shortcomings and are ready to seek forgiveness from your loved ones whom you may have wronged, and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah. Allah Subhanah indeed loves such of His believing slaves.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verse 135-136: Allah likes such good people very much, who, if ever they commit a base deed or wrong their own soul by the commission of a sin, remember Allah instantly, and ask for forgiveness from Him for their shortcomings. For who, but Allah, can forgive sins? (And Allah loves those) who do not knowingly persist in the wrongs they did. These will be rewarded with forgiveness from Allah, and with Gardens beneath which canals flow, and they will reside therein forever! How excellent is the reward of those who do good deeds!
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 6 Surah Anaam verse 54: When those come to you who believe in Our Signs, say: "Peace be on you! Your Lord had inscribed for Himself (the rule of) Mercy. Verily if any of you did evil in ignorance, and thereafter repented and amended (his conduct), Lo! He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
My dear and beloved brother, indeed if you do have a temper problem which resulted in violence with your wife; then you have indeed wronged her and yourself. All Praise is due to Allah Subhanah Alone, who has guided you aright and given you the willingness to redress your problem. You must immediately seek the forgiveness of the people you have wronged, and implore the Merciful Lord to have mercy on you and guide you to the Right Path.
In Islam, each family can be considered a small State, and Allah has appointed the man as the leader of the state, because of certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their means. But having been given the position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In Islam, when one is made a leader, his duty is to fear Allah, and serve, protect and maintain harmony in his state, by being a just, benevolent, and a loving servant-leader.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of Allahs Sign is that He has created for you wives from your own species, so that you may find peace with them, and (Allah has) created love and mercy between you. Surely in this there are many Signs for those who reflect.
Allah himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in this relationship. And Allah has put love and mercy between the spouses, in this sacred relationship of marriage. But this love, respect, harmony, peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and give all the rights that are due to their spouses.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 19: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.
It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an authentic narration: The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous wife.
Thus, what is required for a peaceful and loving marriage and a good wholesome life, is first and foremost the fear of Allah Subhanah; that one day everyone will have to stand alone in the Court of Allah Subhanah to give a full accounting of all his deeds. Once this God-consciousness and piety is developed in the person, he will always try to obey Allah and thus do all his deeds in the best manner, giving each the rights that are due to them.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3264 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
Al-Muwatta Hadith 47.12
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Said ibn al-Musayyab from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "A strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A strong person is the person who contains himself when he is angry."
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4766 Narrated by Atiyyah as-Sa'di
AbuWa'il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Messenger of Allah (saws) as saying: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4759 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: if anyone suppresses anger when he is in a position to give vent to it, Allah, the Exalted, will call him on the Day of Resurrection over the heads of all creatures, and ask him to choose any of the bright and large eyed maidens he wishes.
Similarly, the wife should fear Allah, control her temper, and not do or say anything which she knows would instigate or upset her husband.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3258 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal
The Prophet (saws) said that no woman annoyed her husband in this
world without his wife among the large-eyed maidens of
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best, he (saws) replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3255 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I should order a woman to prostrate herself before her husband."
the wife knew the rewards the Merciful Lord has prepared for her in
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3256 Narrated by Umm Salamah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter paradise."
Thus only if both parties fear Allah Subhanah, and strive to give the other their rights will full willingness and with excellence; only then can one enjoy the peace and tranquility that Allah Subhanah has blessed for those who are united in the sacred bond of marriage.
Your Question: ALSO WHAT I SHOULD SAY TO MY INLAWS
Beloved and dear Brother in Islam, all you can and should do is be extremely humble and with extreme patience and wisdom seek their forgiveness for your past attitude and try to convince them that you have repented to Allah Subhanah and will do everything in your power not to let your anger overcome you again.
If you are sincere in your repentance, Allah Subhanah will indeed help you and guide you toward the right path; and it is expected that Allah Subhanah will soften the hearts of your wife and your in-laws to accept your repentance for the wrongs done towards them.
But if your wife or your in-laws feel or fear that the conditions might not improve, you wife is well within her rights to seek a divorce from you, and there would be no sin upon her.
May Allah Subhanah make your trial easy for you, have mercy on you and your family, and guide you and your family to the path that is straight.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,