Marriage and parents
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's
Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Salaam.
im sorry my question will take a lil time of urs coze of its
length...
i read
don u think that parents shud see first if we are doing wrong
thing or the right thing. take my case for example..my mum is very happy with
me getting married to a princess that i love ALOT and my sisters and brothers
are happy with it too but my dad has a problem with it for no reason..or maybe
he thinks its not the custom of tribesmen to marry outside their tribes.how wud
u justify that..do u really think i shud listen to my dad???
im sorry if i sound rude in the email, i just din like ur
reply.and i feel sorry for the gul who asked that question from u. i think u
shud be considerate and u shud take care of everyone`s rights not just parents
rights. and i really think u shud write to the gul again and give her a better
advice, i think u discouraged her alot in ur reply and please reply to my
question too that my mum is happy but not my dad, y shud i do and the gul`s
family is not happy with it too but she is..wat do u think i shud do and leme
tell u that i trust God more than anyone else! please reply soon!
(There
may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum
does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from
our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
Answer:
In the
name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness.
Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray,
none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no
person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai, nobody!) worthy of
worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His
slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
My beloved
and dear brother in Islam, we seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of
Allah Subhanah if anything that we have said, because of our own shortcomings
and knowledge, has given root to a misunderstanding in any aspect of this
perfect Deen of Allah Subhanah.
The
sister who posed the question specifically asked us to tell her what should
‘she’ do in this situation; not what should her parents ‘do’! Thus our advice was only related to the
matters in what should our sister should do.
We are
more than willing to address each and every one of your questions, but allow us
to put the foundation in place in light of the Quran and Sunnah.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses
23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but
Him Alone! Treat your parents with great
kindness; if either or both of them
attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them;
nor rebuke them; but speak to
them kind words. Treat them with
humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord,
be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and
affection in my childhood.”
After the
rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam
the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of our near relatives, far relatives, muslims,
neighbors, etc. In Islam, the law is that one must give all the rights
due to each, without effecting the
rights of others.
For
instance, one cannot take away the right
due to our parents, and give them to our
wives and children. Neither can he take
away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim,
who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day,
should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the
other.
Regarding
the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every
believer, who fears Allah and the Last
Day, to treat and obey his parents in
absolutely everything, except if they
ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger
(saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance
to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even
say ‘uff’ to them! We have to obey them
in every respect, as long as their
command is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws). We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to
be kind to them, be patient with
them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so,
that this right and obligation is termed ‘fard ain’(absolutely
obligatory for every individual) in Islam.
And ‘fard ain’ means, that no
matter how old you are … 10-20-50-90… as along as one or both of your parents
are alive, you have to be obedient to
them! No one can do this on your
behalf… you have the obligation to do it yourself! This is the high station and the elevated
‘maqaam’ of parents in Islam.
Since our
topic is related to marriage, it is our duty to remind you as we remind
ourselves that to marry is considered a ‘Sunnah’ (voluntary) in Islam, but the
obedience of parents is a ‘Fard’ (obligatory) commandment of Allah and His
Messenger (saws).
Now to
address your specific questions:
Q-1:
but the problem shes facing and i m afraid im facing too, is that i don
understand y our parents shudnt think for our good and let us get married to
whoever we want to.
Beloved
brother, we must realize and comprehend that there is no one on this planet earth
who is our better well-wisher than our own parents! The love and sacrifices they have so
selflessly showered upon us since our birth should be pale in comparison to the
love of anyone else!
Indeed,
it may and does happen sometimes that our parents have reservations and may
reject our choice when we seek to marry; thus putting a severe trial upon the
shoulders of their children! But that is
precisely the test Allah Subhanah has put upon the children, and their action
towards the opinion of their parents might determine their state in the life of
the Hereafter!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated
byAbud Darda
When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my
mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard
Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of
Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."
Indeed,
it would be considered righteousness on the part of the parents that they
should not put their children in such severe trial for frivolous reasons like
looks, or race, or caste, or dowry, etc.
Q-2: i
mean end of the day we are living with our wives, not them and if for instance
they give us examples that alot of such marriages end in divorce or watever,
they can always come and help us preserve our marriages
Beloved
and dear Brother in Islam, we must realize that a marriage in Islam is not a
union between just the husband and the wife; but it is a union between two
families. Although neither our choice in
marriage nor our parents choice is guaranteed to work, but one would have to
admit that a choice where all the concerned members of both the families are in
agreement has a bigger chance of working than where there is opposition and
resentment.
It would
indeed be considered very ungrateful of a child, whom the parents have loved
and reared with untold sacrifices since their birth, that as soon as they reach
adulthood and become strong, they do not even consider them worth consulting
when they make one of their most important decisions in their lives!
The
parents on their part should consider the choice and liking of their children,
and should not try to force or coerce them into a marriage which their children
do not approve of.
Q-3: i
mean y do we always have to take care of our parents rights wen they don care
about our rights as kids.
Beloved
and dear Brother in Islam, not only with parents rights but concerning the
rights of anyone, Islam guides us that whether one gives us our due rights or
not; we are obligated by Allah and His Messenger (saws) as believers to give
them their rights in full!
Besides,
Allah has ordained for the parents to love and rear their children in the best
manner but in His Sublime and Perfect Wisdom has not commanded them anywhere in
the Quran or Sunnah to be obedient to their children! But time and again Allah Subhanah has
commanded the believers to be devoutly obedient to their parents!
Q-4:
im not saying we shudnt obey our parents. all our lives we listen to our
parents but wen it comes to marriage i really don see a point listening to them
if they don agree with my choice.
All our
lives we obey our parents because we were weak and they loved us and provided
for us, and brought us to this day where we are strong! Can we imagine our plight and our helplessness
when tomorrow we become parents, and spend 20-25 years of severe sacrifice and
love only to witness our own children say : ‘wen it comes to marriage i really
don see a point listening to them if they don agree with my choice.’
Our duty
is to remind you as we remind ourselves about what Allah and His Messenger
(saws) have guided us in this matter.
Allah Subhanah has allowed the disobedience of parents in certain
circumstances, but choosing whom to marry is not one of them.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 15: "But if they (parents) strive to make thee join in worship with
Me (Allah) things of which thou hast no knowledge obey them not; Yet bear them
company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of
those who turn to Me (in love): in the End the return of you all is to Me and I
will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."
The only
time one is allowed to disobey one’s parents in Islam is if they command us to
do something which is against the commandment of Allah and His Messenger
(saws). Other than that, their
obedience should be absolute and total for the believers who sincerely fear
Allah and the Last Day.
Q-5:
but don u think islam gives me every right to marry whoever except for those
who dont follow any Book of Allah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 3: If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the
orphans, marry women of your choice two, or three, or four; but
if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.
Beloved
brother in Islam, indeed Islam has given the believers the right to marry women
of their choice; but Allah and His Messenger (saws) have also guided the
believers to take their parents approval and consent when seeking
marriage. Thus, the believers are
obliged to obey and strike a balance between each and every command of Allah
and His Messenger (saws).
Q-6:
If i can marry a jew, y not a muslim gul of my choice and so y shud i not marry
her just coze my parents have promised some of their friends that they will get
us married to their sons or daughters, or get us married to someone for their
business deals, or because its not in the customs of the tribe to get married
outside the tribe.
It would
obviously not be considered righteousness on the part of the parents if they
force their children to marry someone of their choice for such frivolous
reasons, which have absolutely nothing to do with the guidance and mercy of
Islam.
If they
do so, they will be responsible for their injustice in the Court of Allah
Subhanah on an Inevitable Day.
Q-7: y
do we confuse our religion so much and y cant u tell this "young gul in
love" that have trust in Allah and ask HIM to help them in their
successful marriage
We do
sincerely seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah if
anything we have said has given rise to any confusion in this perfect deen of
Islam.
Indeed,
it would be our ardent advice that the believers should have trust in Allah
Subhanah and ask Him to help them in their marriage.
But
brother, we do fear that we (and our sister) would indeed be in very serious
trouble in the Court of Allah Subhanah on the Day of Judgment if our advice to
our sister was to elope with her friend and then trust Allah Subhanah; for then
indeed we would be severely accountable for our statement!
Q-8:..if
the marriage is considered legal in islam then y shudnt she go ahead.
Because
if our sister did elope and married her choice in disobedience to her parents;
then she would be held accountable for transgressing an ordained limit and law
of Allah Subhanah, the Lord of the Worlds!
She would have fulfilled a voluntary Sunnah, but she would have
disobeyed an obligatory ‘fard’ command of obedience to her parents!
And
disobedience or transgression of a direct command of Allah Subhanah should be
enough incentive for a believer who fears Allah and the Last Day to not ‘go
ahead’ with their plans!
Q-9: u
saying that our parents sacrifice their whole lives and we shudnt leave them, u
r very right but seriously don u think that parents shud see first if we are
doing wrong thing or the right thing.
Absolutely
brother, the parents must take the happiness and choice of their children into
serious consideration; and should not put this heavy burden and trial upon
their children.
Q-10:
take my case for example..my mum is very happy with me getting married to a
princess that i love ALOT and my sisters and brothers are happy with it too but
my dad has a problem with it for no reason..or maybe he thinks its not the
custom of tribesmen to marry outside their tribes.how wud u justify that..do u
really think i shud listen to my dad???
Beloved
brother, indeed the father should not reject the choice of the son for such
frivolous reason as tribes or castes.
There is absolutely no justification for such a stand in Islam.
But my
beloved brother, instead of opposing and disobeying your father openly, it
would be righteous of you as a believer in Allah and the Last Day; that you with
extreme humility and politeness try to convince him of your choice, and seek
the help of your mother, your brothers and your sisters.
If you
use the path of humility, politeness and patience, not only will you be able to
convince your father to agree with your choice; but you will pass the trial
your Lord has ordained for you with flying colors!
But if
you oppose your father and disobey him, you might still get away with marrying
your choice in the life of this world; but you will have to answer for your
words and your deeds of disobedience to your father in the Presence of the
All-Mighty and Majestic Lord!
We have
absolutely no choice in choosing the trials that befall us, but we definitely
have a choice when it comes to dealing with the trial with our words and
deeds…and that will determine in the sight of Allah whether we pass or fail the
trial!
Q-11:
im sorry if i sound rude in the email,
My dear
and beloved brother in Islam, it happens at times that emotions overtake our
good judgment; but if we stay steadfast and patient on the path that Allah
Subhanah has guided us, He will guide us to the Right Path.
Allah is
our witness, we understand your situation and your emotions; and we assure you
that we have absolutely no ill-will or grudge against you for what you have
said. On the contrary, we should be
seeking your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah if we, because
of our shortcoming in our knowledge and speech, have not been able to convey the
clear Message and Guidance of our Lord to you in the best manner.
Q-12:
i just din like
Beloved
brother, our duty as your brothers and well-wishers is to guide according to
the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah, whether one likes the replies or
not.
Indeed,
we too feel sorry for the sister who asked the question, and pray and hope that
Allah Subhanah guides her to make the right decision. Our duty is only to strive to convey the
Message and the Guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws); to accept or deny
is a choice which the person has to make himself.
Q-13:
i think u shud be considerate and u shud take care of everyone`s rights not
just parents rights.
Beloved
brother in Islam, we as believers have submitted and surrendered the
‘free-will’ our Lord has bestowed upon us to Him. Thus regardless of how we feel, or what our
emotions say, or what price we have to pay to say the Truth….it is our duty to
inform our beloved brothers and sisters what is the guidance in such a
situation from Allah and His Messenger (saws).
And when
a question is posed whereby our beloved brother or sister asks us what is
bigger in the sight of Allah, we are obliged to inform them that a ‘fard’
(obligatory) is obviously bigger than a ‘sunnah’ (voluntary).
Q-14:
and i really think u shud write to the gul again and give her a better advice,
i think u discouraged her alot in
If Allah
Wills and guides us, we will surely write to our sister again. But believed brother, in all honesty, it
would not be possible for us or any believer who sincerely believes in Allah
and the Last Day, to inform her that a ‘sunnah’ is bigger than a ‘fard’
duty!
If we
have encouraged our beloved sister to obey the ‘fard’ in preference to a
‘sunnah’, then Allah is our witness, we have given her the right advice in
light of the Quran and Sunnah. But if
Allah guides our sister to follow the ‘sunnah’ and also obey the ‘fard’ then
that would obviously be the best option.
Q-15:
and please reply to my question too that my mum is happy but not my dad, y shud
i do and the gul`s family is not happy with it too but she is..wat do u think i
shud do
Beloved
brother, what you should do is obey and follow the guidance of Allah and His
Messenger (saws)…for Allah is our witness, he who does that will never ever be
misled or sorry!
Your
absolute best option is to be extremely patient, and try to convince your
father with extreme humility and politeness.
Seek the help of your mother and your family members, and even some of
his close friends or relatives like your grandfather, or uncles or aunts. But at all times, remain absolutely polite
and humble to your father, and never ever raise your voice, or show dissent, or
even say a word of rebuke toward him! Be
patient, be polite, be humble, be kind like you have never been before with
anyone…and above all, be constant in your supplication and remembrance of your
Lord and implore Him to make your trial easy for you.
Once you
have the consent of your parents, their love for you will make them convince
the girl’s parents, Insha Allah.
Patience
and obedience to the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) will not only
get you your choice in marriage, but your polite words and manners towards your
parents will earn you their pleasure and the Pleasure and Blessings of Allah
Subhanah.
Disobedience
to your father might still get you your choice in marriage, but there is a very
good chance that you might be deprived of the pleasure of your father, and thus
the Pleasure and Blessing of your Merciful Lord.
The
choice is yours alone which path you wish to take.
Q-16:
and leme tell u that i trust God more than anyone else!
And may
Allah Subhanah increase your Trust in Him even more…for He has indeed Declared
that He loves those who put their trust in Him Alone.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verses
159-160:
159 Then when thou hast taken a decision put
thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).
160 If Allah helps you none can overcome you: if He forsakes you who is
there after that that can help you? In
Allah then let believers put their trust.
If one
trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of
Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can
be assured of never ever being misled;
but if one believes, obeys and
follows any other guidance, other than
that of Allah and His Messenger (saws),
he can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever
written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance,
and whatever of error is of me. Allah
Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,
Burhan
Wister