Marriage and parents
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
im sorry my question will take a lil time of urs coze of its length...
don u think that parents shud see first if we are doing wrong thing or the right thing. take my case for example..my mum is very happy with me getting married to a princess that i love ALOT and my sisters and brothers are happy with it too but my dad has a problem with it for no reason..or maybe he thinks its not the custom of tribesmen to marry outside their tribes.how wud u justify that..do u really think i shud listen to my dad???
im sorry if i sound rude in the email, i just din like ur reply.and i feel sorry for the gul who asked that question from u. i think u shud be considerate and u shud take care of everyone`s rights not just parents rights. and i really think u shud write to the gul again and give her a better advice, i think u discouraged her alot in ur reply and please reply to my question too that my mum is happy but not my dad, y shud i do and the gul`s family is not happy with it too but she is..wat do u think i shud do and leme tell u that i trust God more than anyone else! please reply soon!
(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
My beloved and dear brother in Islam, we seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah if anything that we have said, because of our own shortcomings and knowledge, has given root to a misunderstanding in any aspect of this perfect Deen of Allah Subhanah.
The sister who posed the question specifically asked us to tell her what should she do in this situation; not what should her parents do! Thus our advice was only related to the matters in what should our sister should do.
We are more than willing to address each and every one of your questions, but allow us to put the foundation in place in light of the Quran and Sunnah.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.
After the rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of our near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam, the law is that one must give all the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.
For instance, one cannot take away the right due to our parents, and give them to our wives and children. Neither can he take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim, who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day, should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other.
Regarding the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every believer, who fears Allah and the Last Day, to treat and obey his parents in absolutely everything, except if they ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger (saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even say uff to them! We have to obey them in every respect, as long as their command is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws). We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them, be patient with them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so, that this right and obligation is termed fard ain(absolutely obligatory for every individual) in Islam. And fard ain means, that no matter how old you are 10-20-50-90 as along as one or both of your parents are alive, you have to be obedient to them! No one can do this on your behalf you have the obligation to do it yourself! This is the high station and the elevated maqaam of parents in Islam.
Since our topic is related to marriage, it is our duty to remind you as we remind ourselves that to marry is considered a Sunnah (voluntary) in Islam, but the obedience of parents is a Fard (obligatory) commandment of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Now to address your specific questions:
Q-1: but the problem shes facing and i m afraid im facing too, is that i don understand y our parents shudnt think for our good and let us get married to whoever we want to.
Beloved brother, we must realize and comprehend that there is no one on this planet earth who is our better well-wisher than our own parents! The love and sacrifices they have so selflessly showered upon us since our birth should be pale in comparison to the love of anyone else!
Indeed, it may and does happen sometimes that our parents have reservations and may reject our choice when we seek to marry; thus putting a severe trial upon the shoulders of their children! But that is precisely the test Allah Subhanah has put upon the children, and their action towards the opinion of their parents might determine their state in the life of the Hereafter!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated byAbud Darda
When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."
Indeed, it would be considered righteousness on the part of the parents that they should not put their children in such severe trial for frivolous reasons like looks, or race, or caste, or dowry, etc.
Q-2: i mean end of the day we are living with our wives, not them and if for instance they give us examples that alot of such marriages end in divorce or watever, they can always come and help us preserve our marriages
Beloved and dear Brother in Islam, we must realize that a marriage in Islam is not a union between just the husband and the wife; but it is a union between two families. Although neither our choice in marriage nor our parents choice is guaranteed to work, but one would have to admit that a choice where all the concerned members of both the families are in agreement has a bigger chance of working than where there is opposition and resentment.
It would indeed be considered very ungrateful of a child, whom the parents have loved and reared with untold sacrifices since their birth, that as soon as they reach adulthood and become strong, they do not even consider them worth consulting when they make one of their most important decisions in their lives!
The parents on their part should consider the choice and liking of their children, and should not try to force or coerce them into a marriage which their children do not approve of.
Q-3: i mean y do we always have to take care of our parents rights wen they don care about our rights as kids.
Beloved and dear Brother in Islam, not only with parents rights but concerning the rights of anyone, Islam guides us that whether one gives us our due rights or not; we are obligated by Allah and His Messenger (saws) as believers to give them their rights in full!
Besides, Allah has ordained for the parents to love and rear their children in the best manner but in His Sublime and Perfect Wisdom has not commanded them anywhere in the Quran or Sunnah to be obedient to their children! But time and again Allah Subhanah has commanded the believers to be devoutly obedient to their parents!
Q-4: im not saying we shudnt obey our parents. all our lives we listen to our parents but wen it comes to marriage i really don see a point listening to them if they don agree with my choice.
All our lives we obey our parents because we were weak and they loved us and provided for us, and brought us to this day where we are strong! Can we imagine our plight and our helplessness when tomorrow we become parents, and spend 20-25 years of severe sacrifice and love only to witness our own children say : wen it comes to marriage i really don see a point listening to them if they don agree with my choice.
Our duty is to remind you as we remind ourselves about what Allah and His Messenger (saws) have guided us in this matter. Allah Subhanah has allowed the disobedience of parents in certain circumstances, but choosing whom to marry is not one of them.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 15: "But if they (parents) strive to make thee join in worship with Me (Allah) things of which thou hast no knowledge obey them not; Yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love): in the End the return of you all is to Me and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."
The only time one is allowed to disobey ones parents in Islam is if they command us to do something which is against the commandment of Allah and His Messenger (saws). Other than that, their obedience should be absolute and total for the believers who sincerely fear Allah and the Last Day.
Q-5: but don u think islam gives me every right to marry whoever except for those who dont follow any Book of Allah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 3: If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.
Beloved brother in Islam, indeed Islam has given the believers the right to marry women of their choice; but Allah and His Messenger (saws) have also guided the believers to take their parents approval and consent when seeking marriage. Thus, the believers are obliged to obey and strike a balance between each and every command of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Q-6: If i can marry a jew, y not a muslim gul of my choice and so y shud i not marry her just coze my parents have promised some of their friends that they will get us married to their sons or daughters, or get us married to someone for their business deals, or because its not in the customs of the tribe to get married outside the tribe.
It would obviously not be considered righteousness on the part of the parents if they force their children to marry someone of their choice for such frivolous reasons, which have absolutely nothing to do with the guidance and mercy of Islam.
If they do so, they will be responsible for their injustice in the Court of Allah Subhanah on an Inevitable Day.
Q-7: y do we confuse our religion so much and y cant u tell this "young gul in love" that have trust in Allah and ask HIM to help them in their successful marriage
We do sincerely seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah if anything we have said has given rise to any confusion in this perfect deen of Islam.
Indeed, it would be our ardent advice that the believers should have trust in Allah Subhanah and ask Him to help them in their marriage.
But brother, we do fear that we (and our sister) would indeed be in very serious trouble in the Court of Allah Subhanah on the Day of Judgment if our advice to our sister was to elope with her friend and then trust Allah Subhanah; for then indeed we would be severely accountable for our statement!
Q-8:..if the marriage is considered legal in islam then y shudnt she go ahead.
Because if our sister did elope and married her choice in disobedience to her parents; then she would be held accountable for transgressing an ordained limit and law of Allah Subhanah, the Lord of the Worlds! She would have fulfilled a voluntary Sunnah, but she would have disobeyed an obligatory fard command of obedience to her parents!
And disobedience or transgression of a direct command of Allah Subhanah should be enough incentive for a believer who fears Allah and the Last Day to not go ahead with their plans!
Q-9: u saying that our parents sacrifice their whole lives and we shudnt leave them, u r very right but seriously don u think that parents shud see first if we are doing wrong thing or the right thing.
Absolutely brother, the parents must take the happiness and choice of their children into serious consideration; and should not put this heavy burden and trial upon their children.
Q-10: take my case for example..my mum is very happy with me getting married to a princess that i love ALOT and my sisters and brothers are happy with it too but my dad has a problem with it for no reason..or maybe he thinks its not the custom of tribesmen to marry outside their tribes.how wud u justify that..do u really think i shud listen to my dad???
Beloved brother, indeed the father should not reject the choice of the son for such frivolous reason as tribes or castes. There is absolutely no justification for such a stand in Islam.
But my beloved brother, instead of opposing and disobeying your father openly, it would be righteous of you as a believer in Allah and the Last Day; that you with extreme humility and politeness try to convince him of your choice, and seek the help of your mother, your brothers and your sisters.
If you use the path of humility, politeness and patience, not only will you be able to convince your father to agree with your choice; but you will pass the trial your Lord has ordained for you with flying colors!
But if you oppose your father and disobey him, you might still get away with marrying your choice in the life of this world; but you will have to answer for your words and your deeds of disobedience to your father in the Presence of the All-Mighty and Majestic Lord!
We have absolutely no choice in choosing the trials that befall us, but we definitely have a choice when it comes to dealing with the trial with our words and deedsand that will determine in the sight of Allah whether we pass or fail the trial!
Q-11: im sorry if i sound rude in the email,
My dear and beloved brother in Islam, it happens at times that emotions overtake our good judgment; but if we stay steadfast and patient on the path that Allah Subhanah has guided us, He will guide us to the Right Path.
Allah is our witness, we understand your situation and your emotions; and we assure you that we have absolutely no ill-will or grudge against you for what you have said. On the contrary, we should be seeking your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah if we, because of our shortcoming in our knowledge and speech, have not been able to convey the clear Message and Guidance of our Lord to you in the best manner.
i just din like
Beloved brother, our duty as your brothers and well-wishers is to guide according to the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah, whether one likes the replies or not.
Indeed, we too feel sorry for the sister who asked the question, and pray and hope that Allah Subhanah guides her to make the right decision. Our duty is only to strive to convey the Message and the Guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws); to accept or deny is a choice which the person has to make himself.
Q-13: i think u shud be considerate and u shud take care of everyone`s rights not just parents rights.
Beloved brother in Islam, we as believers have submitted and surrendered the free-will our Lord has bestowed upon us to Him. Thus regardless of how we feel, or what our emotions say, or what price we have to pay to say the Truth.it is our duty to inform our beloved brothers and sisters what is the guidance in such a situation from Allah and His Messenger (saws).
And when a question is posed whereby our beloved brother or sister asks us what is bigger in the sight of Allah, we are obliged to inform them that a fard (obligatory) is obviously bigger than a sunnah (voluntary).
and i really think u shud write to the gul again and give her a better advice,
i think u discouraged her alot in
If Allah Wills and guides us, we will surely write to our sister again. But believed brother, in all honesty, it would not be possible for us or any believer who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day, to inform her that a sunnah is bigger than a fard duty!
If we have encouraged our beloved sister to obey the fard in preference to a sunnah, then Allah is our witness, we have given her the right advice in light of the Quran and Sunnah. But if Allah guides our sister to follow the sunnah and also obey the fard then that would obviously be the best option.
Q-15: and please reply to my question too that my mum is happy but not my dad, y shud i do and the gul`s family is not happy with it too but she is..wat do u think i shud do
Beloved brother, what you should do is obey and follow the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws)for Allah is our witness, he who does that will never ever be misled or sorry!
Your absolute best option is to be extremely patient, and try to convince your father with extreme humility and politeness. Seek the help of your mother and your family members, and even some of his close friends or relatives like your grandfather, or uncles or aunts. But at all times, remain absolutely polite and humble to your father, and never ever raise your voice, or show dissent, or even say a word of rebuke toward him! Be patient, be polite, be humble, be kind like you have never been before with anyoneand above all, be constant in your supplication and remembrance of your Lord and implore Him to make your trial easy for you.
Once you have the consent of your parents, their love for you will make them convince the girls parents, Insha Allah.
Patience and obedience to the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) will not only get you your choice in marriage, but your polite words and manners towards your parents will earn you their pleasure and the Pleasure and Blessings of Allah Subhanah.
Disobedience to your father might still get you your choice in marriage, but there is a very good chance that you might be deprived of the pleasure of your father, and thus the Pleasure and Blessing of your Merciful Lord.
The choice is yours alone which path you wish to take.
Q-16: and leme tell u that i trust God more than anyone else!
And may Allah Subhanah increase your Trust in Him even morefor He has indeed Declared that He loves those who put their trust in Him Alone.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verses 159-160:
159 Then when thou hast taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).
160 If Allah helps you none can overcome you: if He forsakes you who is there after that that can help you? In Allah then let believers put their trust.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,