Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Assalamalikum,
one of my friends is going thru some problem and I wish to know what Islam has to say about it. Whenever she and her husband quarrel even on slightest provocation her husband threatens her with divorce or asks her to leave him or prays to Allah to relieve him of her or curses her. Although my friend has been supporting him financially totally ,she feels that she is not dominating him but he feels that she is. So whenever they quarrel he taunts her about it,calls her a bastard and abuses her entire family.When they reconcile she has told him of how much this hurts her and he apologises But over a period of time his resentment has grown so much that now he has gone way too ahead and called her and her mother a prostitute,a slum dweller and a lot of other abuses and he also spat on her and beat her in front of her children.each time he justifies himself by saying that she is very short tempered, dominating and torturing him mentally.
My question is that even if all of the allegations against her are true, which is not except maybe for being short tempered,does this behaviour befit a husband? She told him a lot of things about her family to him out of trust and in anger he taunts or humiliates her about them.Now even if she is the worst person on earth does it befit a husband to say such things? Can any person justify (all of the above) behaviour by saying that he was provoked or that he behaved in a fit of anger or that his wife's unpleasant behaviour is responsible for this? Please comment.
Please withhold name and address.

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Answer:

Wife short temper, husband abusive

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: My question is that even if all of the allegations against her are true, which is not except maybe for being short tempered,does this behaviour befit a husband?

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 228: Wives have the same rights as the husbands have on them in accordance with the generally known principles. And men are a degree above them; and above all is Allah, the All Mighty, All Wise.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34: Men are the managers of the affairs of women because Allah has made the one superior to the other, and because men spend of their wealth on women. Virtuous women are , therefore, obedient (to their husbands); and they guard in his absence what Allah would have them guard (their honor, their property, etc.)

In Islam, each family can be considered a small State, and Allah has appointed the man as the leader of the state, because of certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their means. But having been given the position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In Islam, when one is made a leader, his duty is to fear Allah, and serve, protect and maintain harmony in his state, by being a just, benevolent, and a loving servant-leader.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of Allah’s Sign is that He has created for you wives from your own species, so that you may find peace with them, and (Allah has) created love and mercy between you. Surely in this there are many Signs for those who reflect.

Allah himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in this relationship. And Allah has put love and mercy between the spouses, in this sacred relationship of marriage. But this love, respect, harmony, peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and give all the rights that are due to their spouses.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 19: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an authentic narration: ‘The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous wife.”

Thus, what is required for a peaceful and loving marriage and a good wholesome life, is first and foremost the fear of Allah Subhanah; that one day everyone will have to stand alone in the Court of Allah Subhanah to give a full accounting of all his deeds. Once this God-consciousness and piety is developed in the person, he will always try to obey Allah and thus do all his deeds in the best manner, giving each the rights that are due to them.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3264 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said,"The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."

In the case that you have described above, there is absolutely no excuse for the husband to behave in the manner that he does; he should fear Allah Subhanah and fear the Day when he will be brought forth to give a full accounting of his deeds. Even if his wife is short-tempered and he claims she instigates him to take these repressive actions; he would be held accountable in the Court of Allah Subhanah for each and every one of his actions. It would be righteous of him and behoving of a believer if he had patience, and controlled his anger when instigated.

Al-Muwatta Hadith 47.12

Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Said ibn al-Musayyab from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "A strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A strong person is the person who contains himself when he is angry."

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4766 Narrated by Atiyyah as-Sa'di

AbuWa'il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Messenger of Allah (saws) as saying: ‘Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.’

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4759 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: ‘if anyone suppresses anger when he is in a position to give vent to it, Allah, the Exalted, will call him on the Day of Resurrection over the heads of all creatures, and ask him to choose any of the bright and large eyed maidens he wishes.’

Similarly, the wife should fear Allah, control her temper, and not do or say anything which she knows would instigate or upset her husband.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3258 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal

The Prophet (saws) said that no woman annoyed her husband in this world without his wife among the large-eyed maidens of Paradise saying, "You must not annoy him. Allah curse you! He is only a passing guest with you, and is about to leave you to come to us."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best, he (saws) replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3255 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I should order a woman to prostrate herself before her husband."

Only if the wife knew the rewards the Merciful Lord has prepared for her in Paradise, if she strives to please her husband; she would never do anything to annoy or anger her husband.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3256 Narrated by Umm Salamah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter paradise."

Thus only if both parties fear Allah Subhanah, and strive to give the other their rights with full willingness and with excellence; only then can one enjoy the peace and tranquility that Allah Subhanah has blessed for those who are united in the sacred bond of marriage.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan